The Dictionary defines Romance, the noun, as the feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love. I realize that I’m a Romantic. I love Love, don’t you? I love the feeling of being in love. Ask my family. Every gathering, every meal, every adventure must be romanced. I light the candles, dial in smooth jazz on Pandora, setting the mood for the gathering. It’s all about the feeling of love. Like nurturing a fire dancing over logs, creating ambiance, love must be nurtured or it can fade away. Few things are as painful as losing the flickering flame of love.
In a highly toxic relationship world however, current conditions exist that make love’s flame difficult to
keep burning. Rudeness, selfishness, road rage, and insecurities make loving a very dangerous proposition. And can anything be more risky than giving your heart to someone? After all, only those to whom you’ve given your heart can hurt it so badly. The more you love someone, the greater the risk that person can hurt you.
John Eldredge reminds us, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
C. S. Lewis wryly observed, “The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell.” Who wants to live in Hell? I imagine that is how some would describe a once beautiful relationship. One of my coaching clients, describing her marriage said, “It was Hell on earth was trying to maintain a relationship with someone who was too weak to be faithful to the idea of a forever with me.” Again from Eldredge, “There is no greater place for damage (than marriage) because there is no greater place for glory.” Ah, yes… there’s the glory. But it must be romanced.
“Offenses will certainly come,” Jesus told some of his friends. I can imagine the look on their faces as they looked at one another. “Wow, He really is a prophet. Or maybe Captain Obvious?!” Yes, you cannot be in relationship without at some point risking an offense. But once an offense occurs, it must be reconciled or bitterness of heart can set in.
We need “look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” (Hebrews 12:15NLT) Bitterness can make the soul toxic and blind us to the love of the people all around us.
Bitterness is actually the enemy of love. It makes you unforgiving and unwilling to give love away unconditionally. It is the enemy of hope because it keeps you stuck in the past caught as if in an eddy, incapable of seeing a better future. It is the enemy of faith because you stop trusting anyone, but yourself. We lose the ability to feel the excitement of love; we lose romance.
When you give up on love, it seems we give up on everything else as well- joy, hope, adventure, forgiveness, compassion- they’re all interconnected. We begin to experience Lewis’ Hell where love no longer exists. When love does not come to you, it breaks your heart but when you no longer give it away, it hardens your heart. The only recourse is to allow the flame to slowly die. Some, unwilling to risk loving again, begin to despise their own hope of ever finding True Love.
I have a conspiracy theory about Love. It was God’s idea. Love was not designed to make us miserable, but to lead us somewhere. To awaken our hearts. He is, after all, “Love” according to 1 John 4:8. We search for love like our souls crave it. It is maddening to deny God exists yet go in search of love. Love without God is like sex without romance. The most beautiful part is missing… intimacy.
We are created to know God and of course to know God, is to know love. It is love that moves God toward us and love pulls us toward Him. Follow after love and it will guide us to God. Love is the beginning of the pursuit of all things.
We are designed for love and to be loved. Our search for intimacy explains our need for connection, community, relationship and acceptance; it is expressed even deeper in our need for romantic love. Love expands as we give it away. Love dies when we do not. The flame of love needs to be fanned to grow hotter; the flame itself needs to be romanced. But in the end; True Love, God’s Love never fails.
